I don't think I'm handling this as gracefully as I should (could? is there a should? hmmmm) be. I don't want to be whinging when I'm hurting, and I'm not walking around, waila-waila-waila, I know I'm not doing that. I have a flaw, a lack of the essential graces. If people ask me how I'm doing, and it's a bad day, or they catch me off guard, I tell them the truth, or an altered form of the truth.
No, I'm not walking around saying, "Oh, my hands and feet are ice cold and my toes and fingernails are purple. When I look at my computer keyboard I can see a circle that's clear, everything around it has a fine mist film covering it. To see things clearly I have to move my head around. But my eye doctor said that my peripheral vision is fine, and he doesn't see any signs of pressure on my optic nerves. Oh, my back and collar bones are killing me......" You get the picture. I'm not doing that. But it's really hard to say, "Oh, I'm good!" **insert false cheery smile here**. So I blurt out, "Hanging in there." or something like that, most likely with no smile at all. Since this happens with people I know (the other people are too busy frowning at the floor and muttering as they scurry down the hall), they then lose the smile and look serious and feel obligated to ask questions that they really didn't want to ask, that I don't really want to answer. Why can't I just smile and nod? It isn't that they don't care...but they don't want to hear. It's just a social norm. And I have that blasted Luna Lovegood trait of stating the truth...most times the unfortunate truth. It's lovable in a fictional character. Not so much in a real-life person, who has lost their filter.
I found out that it's incredibly painful to carry a tray across a room. I went to a buffet-style soup & salad restaurant with a friend the other day and slid my tray along the shelf by the salad selections and filled it up, and stopped and the register to pay. Then I went to walk to the soup and potato bar, and almost dropped the tray. My lower back hurt so bad, and started cramping in what felt like a dozen places but was probably just one big spasm. I didn't really have any options on what to do, so I scurried over and put it down on the tray by the soups. I got the rest of my food, took a deep breath and picked up the tray again, hoping (silly me) that it wouldn't hurt. I was wrong.
Now the question I have is, have I gotten really out of shape and lost muscle tone in my lower back or is this a part of my not-so-new anymore body? This week has been a painful body week. A really painful week, like I'd rather be in bed with Leonard, and the kitties by my side, while I watch TV kind of painful week. Was it just because of that? I don't know. I'm doing the same things I used to do. I haven't had anyone help with any of the housework so I'm still the one that's doing it. Really....sometimes when I think about it I want to cry, or I get irrationally angry and then some days I have no emotion at all.
My place is getting messy again in little ways. It needs to be dusted, everywhere. I have odd bits that need to be put away. My fridge NEEDS to be cleaned out and the cabinet with my Tupperware needs to be organized (not related *L*). And there's little things. I need to wash sheets, and I have a TON of blankets that need to be washed. I have someone at work that needs them - I can't give him dirty blankets. Right now I have a sink full of dishes to do. I already did one when I got home...there were a lot that I hadn't done.
I was thinking about biting the bullet and putting my pride away, and asking some friends about having a work party, one day...heck, one afternoon!, and getting this place whipped into place. Then I realized I don't have anywhere to ask. Part of me wants to cry when I realize that. I don't feel sorry for myself, it's not a pity-party cry. It's a frustration because if I DID have people to help, it might get DONE and since I don't have the people, it's most likely going to stay the way it is. I'll do what I can on days that I get an energy rush so it won't get worse but with reality, it's not going to get much better.
There isn't a lot of happy in this one. Not even sarcasm.... Like I said, I'm not in a pity-party mood. I'm just tired.
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