I don't think that I'm as tough as people think that I am.
I don't know if I can have another procedure like this, and do this all over again.
If this time there wasn't enough to work with, not enough to really even measure, and they doubted I'd get a headache, what's going to happen next time?
I suppose I'd better set up for the weekend in bed and hope for the best, and only get up if I have to use the bathroom. This is when I wish I had the TV sitcom family, where the mom lived down the street or the sister right around the corner, and someone would sleep on the couch or stop by and check in. Or that I had a friend close by that I could call who'd run right over if I needed them to. Just run in, make a sandwich and bring it in with a glass of juice, check on the cats for me and disappear again.
Ah well. Next REAL hurdle, even before I get myself through the procedure next week....getting a ride. I'm hoping for some sedation and they said I'll need a ride (which they said for yesterday). And I won't want to be driving home. *sigh*
Saturday, 25 February 2012
Wednesday, 22 February 2012
I haven't been this frustrated and angered by the medical profession in months. The doctor I saw today had, I think, written me off before she stepped into the room. The words I said were discounted and my symptoms ignored.
She made a statement and made a reference to a condition that I don't have. I corrected her - yes, it was a correction, I don't have Orthostatic Hypotension, I have Neurally Mediated Hypotension - she literally rolled her eyes and smirked as she responded to me. Her response was that she knew the difference between the two. Part of me doesn't care if she does or not, that condition isn't in her specialty and I've had several doctors ask me about the condition because they're not too proud to admit that they don't know everything and they're willing to learn. Part of me cares because she was using that condition to discount the symptoms that she was supposed to be seeing me about. What really bothered me was her attitude. The eye roll I'm sure she thought was her "inside voice", as well as the smirk. Those things do escape sometimes, and I saw them. They were giveaways to the attitude that she had before she came into the room.
Her diagnosis was that the symptoms I have are.....nothing medical, and not caused by anything medical. I've already had a neurologist see physical changes that she said weren't there. So I'm left questioning how valid her entire exam was. 99% of me wants her diagnosis to be correct because that would mean that there's nothing wrong with me, well nothing physically wrong anyway! Which would mean I've got another problem entirely..... The other 1% wants her diagnosis to be correct but is afraid that it isn't, because my symptoms DO exist, and I don't think they're just in my head. I trust the neurologist who saw the physical changes. So when I get home tomorrow, from the next test that's lined up, I'm going to start looking around for a second opinion. Not with her colleagues though.
My other wonder is....if I had not put on my "current medical condition" list that I have Fibro....would she have taken me seriously? I may start leaving that off.
She made a statement and made a reference to a condition that I don't have. I corrected her - yes, it was a correction, I don't have Orthostatic Hypotension, I have Neurally Mediated Hypotension - she literally rolled her eyes and smirked as she responded to me. Her response was that she knew the difference between the two. Part of me doesn't care if she does or not, that condition isn't in her specialty and I've had several doctors ask me about the condition because they're not too proud to admit that they don't know everything and they're willing to learn. Part of me cares because she was using that condition to discount the symptoms that she was supposed to be seeing me about. What really bothered me was her attitude. The eye roll I'm sure she thought was her "inside voice", as well as the smirk. Those things do escape sometimes, and I saw them. They were giveaways to the attitude that she had before she came into the room.
Her diagnosis was that the symptoms I have are.....nothing medical, and not caused by anything medical. I've already had a neurologist see physical changes that she said weren't there. So I'm left questioning how valid her entire exam was. 99% of me wants her diagnosis to be correct because that would mean that there's nothing wrong with me, well nothing physically wrong anyway! Which would mean I've got another problem entirely..... The other 1% wants her diagnosis to be correct but is afraid that it isn't, because my symptoms DO exist, and I don't think they're just in my head. I trust the neurologist who saw the physical changes. So when I get home tomorrow, from the next test that's lined up, I'm going to start looking around for a second opinion. Not with her colleagues though.
My other wonder is....if I had not put on my "current medical condition" list that I have Fibro....would she have taken me seriously? I may start leaving that off.
Thursday, 2 February 2012
Ponderings
I don't think I'm handling this as gracefully as I should (could? is there a should? hmmmm) be. I don't want to be whinging when I'm hurting, and I'm not walking around, waila-waila-waila, I know I'm not doing that. I have a flaw, a lack of the essential graces. If people ask me how I'm doing, and it's a bad day, or they catch me off guard, I tell them the truth, or an altered form of the truth.
No, I'm not walking around saying, "Oh, my hands and feet are ice cold and my toes and fingernails are purple. When I look at my computer keyboard I can see a circle that's clear, everything around it has a fine mist film covering it. To see things clearly I have to move my head around. But my eye doctor said that my peripheral vision is fine, and he doesn't see any signs of pressure on my optic nerves. Oh, my back and collar bones are killing me......" You get the picture. I'm not doing that. But it's really hard to say, "Oh, I'm good!" **insert false cheery smile here**. So I blurt out, "Hanging in there." or something like that, most likely with no smile at all. Since this happens with people I know (the other people are too busy frowning at the floor and muttering as they scurry down the hall), they then lose the smile and look serious and feel obligated to ask questions that they really didn't want to ask, that I don't really want to answer. Why can't I just smile and nod? It isn't that they don't care...but they don't want to hear. It's just a social norm. And I have that blasted Luna Lovegood trait of stating the truth...most times the unfortunate truth. It's lovable in a fictional character. Not so much in a real-life person, who has lost their filter.
I found out that it's incredibly painful to carry a tray across a room. I went to a buffet-style soup & salad restaurant with a friend the other day and slid my tray along the shelf by the salad selections and filled it up, and stopped and the register to pay. Then I went to walk to the soup and potato bar, and almost dropped the tray. My lower back hurt so bad, and started cramping in what felt like a dozen places but was probably just one big spasm. I didn't really have any options on what to do, so I scurried over and put it down on the tray by the soups. I got the rest of my food, took a deep breath and picked up the tray again, hoping (silly me) that it wouldn't hurt. I was wrong.
Now the question I have is, have I gotten really out of shape and lost muscle tone in my lower back or is this a part of my not-so-new anymore body? This week has been a painful body week. A really painful week, like I'd rather be in bed with Leonard, and the kitties by my side, while I watch TV kind of painful week. Was it just because of that? I don't know. I'm doing the same things I used to do. I haven't had anyone help with any of the housework so I'm still the one that's doing it. Really....sometimes when I think about it I want to cry, or I get irrationally angry and then some days I have no emotion at all.
My place is getting messy again in little ways. It needs to be dusted, everywhere. I have odd bits that need to be put away. My fridge NEEDS to be cleaned out and the cabinet with my Tupperware needs to be organized (not related *L*). And there's little things. I need to wash sheets, and I have a TON of blankets that need to be washed. I have someone at work that needs them - I can't give him dirty blankets. Right now I have a sink full of dishes to do. I already did one when I got home...there were a lot that I hadn't done.
I was thinking about biting the bullet and putting my pride away, and asking some friends about having a work party, one day...heck, one afternoon!, and getting this place whipped into place. Then I realized I don't have anywhere to ask. Part of me wants to cry when I realize that. I don't feel sorry for myself, it's not a pity-party cry. It's a frustration because if I DID have people to help, it might get DONE and since I don't have the people, it's most likely going to stay the way it is. I'll do what I can on days that I get an energy rush so it won't get worse but with reality, it's not going to get much better.
There isn't a lot of happy in this one. Not even sarcasm.... Like I said, I'm not in a pity-party mood. I'm just tired.
No, I'm not walking around saying, "Oh, my hands and feet are ice cold and my toes and fingernails are purple. When I look at my computer keyboard I can see a circle that's clear, everything around it has a fine mist film covering it. To see things clearly I have to move my head around. But my eye doctor said that my peripheral vision is fine, and he doesn't see any signs of pressure on my optic nerves. Oh, my back and collar bones are killing me......" You get the picture. I'm not doing that. But it's really hard to say, "Oh, I'm good!" **insert false cheery smile here**. So I blurt out, "Hanging in there." or something like that, most likely with no smile at all. Since this happens with people I know (the other people are too busy frowning at the floor and muttering as they scurry down the hall), they then lose the smile and look serious and feel obligated to ask questions that they really didn't want to ask, that I don't really want to answer. Why can't I just smile and nod? It isn't that they don't care...but they don't want to hear. It's just a social norm. And I have that blasted Luna Lovegood trait of stating the truth...most times the unfortunate truth. It's lovable in a fictional character. Not so much in a real-life person, who has lost their filter.
I found out that it's incredibly painful to carry a tray across a room. I went to a buffet-style soup & salad restaurant with a friend the other day and slid my tray along the shelf by the salad selections and filled it up, and stopped and the register to pay. Then I went to walk to the soup and potato bar, and almost dropped the tray. My lower back hurt so bad, and started cramping in what felt like a dozen places but was probably just one big spasm. I didn't really have any options on what to do, so I scurried over and put it down on the tray by the soups. I got the rest of my food, took a deep breath and picked up the tray again, hoping (silly me) that it wouldn't hurt. I was wrong.
Now the question I have is, have I gotten really out of shape and lost muscle tone in my lower back or is this a part of my not-so-new anymore body? This week has been a painful body week. A really painful week, like I'd rather be in bed with Leonard, and the kitties by my side, while I watch TV kind of painful week. Was it just because of that? I don't know. I'm doing the same things I used to do. I haven't had anyone help with any of the housework so I'm still the one that's doing it. Really....sometimes when I think about it I want to cry, or I get irrationally angry and then some days I have no emotion at all.
My place is getting messy again in little ways. It needs to be dusted, everywhere. I have odd bits that need to be put away. My fridge NEEDS to be cleaned out and the cabinet with my Tupperware needs to be organized (not related *L*). And there's little things. I need to wash sheets, and I have a TON of blankets that need to be washed. I have someone at work that needs them - I can't give him dirty blankets. Right now I have a sink full of dishes to do. I already did one when I got home...there were a lot that I hadn't done.
I was thinking about biting the bullet and putting my pride away, and asking some friends about having a work party, one day...heck, one afternoon!, and getting this place whipped into place. Then I realized I don't have anywhere to ask. Part of me wants to cry when I realize that. I don't feel sorry for myself, it's not a pity-party cry. It's a frustration because if I DID have people to help, it might get DONE and since I don't have the people, it's most likely going to stay the way it is. I'll do what I can on days that I get an energy rush so it won't get worse but with reality, it's not going to get much better.
There isn't a lot of happy in this one. Not even sarcasm.... Like I said, I'm not in a pity-party mood. I'm just tired.